Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
December 20, 2019

Satire: Sharkie’s Astrology Adventure: December Edition

Jules Keenan // The Brunswickan

Capricorn 

Dec 22-Jan 19

You are super hard working, which probably means you’re half dead at this point in the school year. Treat yourself to a nice supper, but beware. Your seventh moon actually says you should avoid eating any food prepared by people named Adam, Jackson, Anna, or Cindy. Your moon is in transit through the sopionis malus constellation and this is a risk to your self esteem. Avoiding mirrors should fix this.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Uranus is looking down at you this month. This means all your romantic relationships are going to go really well, unless you’re wearing a pink shirt while you read this. If you happen to be wearing a pink shirt, don’t go on any dates until January. If this bothers you, change shirts and read this again, and do two somersaults to satisfy Uranus.


Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

Everyone knows Pisces are whiny as all get-out, so just keep complaining. It’s what you’re good at. However, beware. Mars is in your second house this month so don’t wear sandals or flip flops. This might suck if you live in residence, but the planets have spoken. Better to have foot warts or a mysterious staff infection than to anger the ancient Roman god of war by wearing the wrong kind of shoes. You’re okay to move back into your burks once Mars is replaced by Venus in January. But then you’d better stop tucking your sweats into your socks. The goddess hates that.


Aries

Mar 21-April 19

You’re usually the one to end up alone after a night at S Club. You pissed off your friends, your date got stolen, and so you drag yourself back home with no one to snapchat. December is no different. Sorry Aries, but nobody likes you. Unless you can convince pluto to get out of your third house alignment, I’m afraid your relationships are all going the way of the dodo until January.


Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

This is a great month for you to accomplish fitness goals. However, if your name contains the letters A, E, I, O, U, or Y in any combination, you should definitely bring a friend to the gym or avoid it until January. Halley’s Comet is casting a shadow over your sign’s safety circle and creepy people in athletic environments take that as an opportunity to make you uncomfortable. If you don’t have friends or don’t like the gym, then the Comet is working in your favour– sleep with two tablespoons of granulated white sugar (wrapped inside a piece of newspaper) under your pillow and you will meet a tall dark stranger who can sell you cool stuff.


Gemini

May 21-Jun 20

You might want to get ready for some existential horror: December for Geminis means eating an egg. You really should be careful about salmonella this month. You should also go get your shots if you haven’t yet. Some of these shots include, Lyme, Bordatella, Rabies, Vodka, Influenza, DHPP, or Leptospira. All of these are available from your local veterinarian. They might say those shots are for dogs, but the planets have spoken. P.S. Listen to the Gemini album on spotify. That shit slaps.


Cancer

Jun 21-Jul 22

You shouldn’t go skiing, sledding, or snowboarding for the rest of the year. Why? The moon is going through its emo phase and thinks that snow sports are too preppy for your star sign. If you disobey the moon, you run the risk of having all of your most intimate texts leaked. If you have to ski and it’s unavoidable, play edgy “alternative” music and wear a grungy old t-shirt under your snowsuit. That should minimize the risk, but BEWARE! The emo moon isn’t done shining on you until January 2nd. 


Leo

July 23-Aug 22

This is a really good time of the year to get over old beef. By this I mean find your nearest neighbourhood taurus (the cow sign) and jump over them six times. This will restore your luck and bring you good fortune in the new year, but it has to be done properly. First off, you must baste your taurus. Sprinkle them with your favourite ointment or hand sanitizer until you are satisfied that they are marinated. Then, take them out into the middle of the quad and spin them twice towards Joy Kidd. Then you are ready to jump over your taurus and restore your honour.


Virgo

Aug 23-Sept 22

You are at risk to get into big arguments if you go home to your family over winter break, but those arguments are a chance to throw your most annoying sibling under the bus. If you’re an only child you’re out of luck I’m afraid, whatever argument you get in will probably result in the spirit of Jove’s Ganymede stealing your favourite accessory. The spirits might give it back, but they might not. You won’t find out until we see how the transit of the sun affects your cleanliness over the next few weeks. Keep your underwear off your floor or Ganymede will steal your car too.

Libra

Sept 23-Oct 22

You’re going the wrong way. No seriously. Even if you’re sitting down, you’d better turn around right now. The sun is crossing your most vulnerable point right now, so only make left turns, and be sure to avoid men who wear sunglasses, and also confetti. Confetti can be very dangerous for Libras at this time of year.


Scorpio

Oct. 23-Nov 21

Suck up to your significant other. Shower them with affection, and reap the rewards as your relationship flourishes. If you’re single, get ready to mingle, but not with new friends… with animals. December is the perfect time for you to commit to a new pet. Your earth chakra is passing through the Dionysian Cascade until the new year, which means you are very in balance with yourself and your relationships. Go buy a puppy. Or a goldfish. But not at the same time, I had a cousin whose puppy once got into his koi pond… it wasn’t pretty.


Sagittarius

Nov. 22-Dec 21

Don’t talk to anyone over the phone until next month. Don’t go outside if you can avoid it. Your star sign has fallen victim to its annual inversion-flux-reflux-inhibitor-hibitor, which means you are in immediate danger of having too much fun. Just kidding Sagittarius. Get out to the clubs this winter break and drink like the fish do: long and hard.


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