The staff here at The Brunswickan are seeking the public’s help in solving the disappearance of our business manager, Mathew Gracie. Last seen hurriedly filing taxes and muttering to himself in the Bruns’ offices in the Student Union Building, as of publication he has not been heard from for approximately 72 hours. Could it be linked to the recent séance in the Student Union Building? The recurrence of the Saint John River killer scallops? The Irvings? At this time we are unsure.
While unexpected, we can say that ever since his first viewing of Shrek the Third two weeks ago, he has been acting erratically—throwing chips at people from the balcony in the SUB, kicking pebbles and acting like an all-around dachshund. Because of these strange actions, if seen, Matt should be approached with mild caution.
A source wishing to remain anonymous has shared with us a photo, purportedly taken outside of a rodeo near Millinocket, Maine, two days ago. Matt’s strange actions have apparently extended to rodeo, and he has apparently bonded so closely with his horse that they were heard making plans to ride out for Las Vegas, Nevada to get married.
The Brunswickan has since hired a private investigator to follow up with our source and pursue Matt’s trail. As of yet, results are inconclusive. All that has been turned up so far is this grainy photo which some believe could be Matt in a gorilla costume outside of a popular picnic area somewhere near Bangor.
Given the grainy quality of the photograph, we cannot confirm or deny its validity.
Our working theory is that Matt has entered what’s commonly known as the “Appalachian Time Vortex” along Canada’s border with the United States, known to function as a ripple in time and space where those who enter rapidly experience a slow descent into ChaosTM. Another side effect of the vortex is time dilation, so for Matt, the few days he’s been gone may have, for him, been decades. Should this indeed be the case, expect him to have aged significantly in the time he’s been missing.
We are turning to you, the public to help us recover our beloved friend. Should you have any information, please follow up at firstname.lastname@example.org.