Taylor Chalker
Taylor Chalker
Entertainment Marketing graduate from the Toronto Film School, and first-year Arts student at UNB.
April 1, 2020

Satire: Welcome to Jurassic Park

Paul Mazerolle (left) and John Hammond (right)

John Hammond had a dream. He wanted to unite measly humans with the wondrous dinosaurs that we have dreamt of, and studied about, but never actually seen. He was a visionary, with a skewed sense of reality, and a questionable moral compass. 

Paul Mazerolle is our John Hammond. 

He wants us to have new experiences and broaden our horizons, but a bunch of uncontrollable situations keep popping up and complicating things. 

Mazerolle had a plan: step into the presidential role at UNB, host an absolute banger (Pizza with Paul), and guide us all into the magical journey known as ‘post-grad.’ Unbeknownst to him, a rascally little disease popped up, ready within its fenced enclosure for the perfect time to unleash nature’s fury, end term, and overall wreck stuff.

It’s situations like that when I wish that Jeff Goldblum was available to pop on over to campus and provide some comedic relief, all while wearing an unbuttoned shirt despite the fact that the sustained injury was to his leg and not his chest. 

But no, we don’t get Jeff Goldblum. We don’t even get Sam Neill or Laura Dern. We get the New Brunswick Government, which is about as useful as Dennis Nedry. You know Nedry, he is the antagonist in Jurassic Park, the dude that tried to smuggle dino embryos for money, simultaneously shutting down security and sending the park into absolute mayhem. 

Basically, if Nedry hadn’t been such a negligent, overconfident, egomaniacal jerk, Jurassic Park wouldn’t have been thrown into chaos in the first place. Now, I’m not saying that our government is a narcissistic, money-hungry institution that would rather launch a new surplus budget than recognize the downward spiral that our global community is in, but I’m not NOT saying that. 

Anyway, hopefully Mazerolle and the government can figure this one out, because I’m about as useful as that little girl that screams when she sees a Brontosaurus (FYI, that's a freaking herbivore, idiot).

Otherwise, here’s hoping that Sam Neill, or someone like him, rappels over a concrete wall and into Fredericton, and soon. 

Why can’t we just be dinosaurs?

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