Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Marlowe came to the University of New Brunswick to pursue a bachelor’s degree in political science.
April 13, 2019

Satire: UNB’s revised alcohol policy includes prohibition, turning in pitchers

Photo by Cameron Lane

In an unprecedented move, University of New Brunswick administration has released a new policy that prohibits the sale or consumption of alcohol on campus.

The new alcohol policy, titled UNB Prohibition Bill no.1, was announced in an email earlier this week by UNB development officer Summer Duchy, and bans any type of liquor on campus.

Bill no. 1 would make shots, beer, coolers and hard liquor contraband. Even kombucha, a popular health drink made of fermented fruit, has made the list of banned liquids. Any drink that contains any amount of alcohol will be banned on the Fredericton campus after April 7th.

“We realize that this stance seems harsh,” says UNB president Eddy Campbell. “But we’re hoping that other universities will follow suit. Our consultations on the new alcohol policy seemed favourable, and we found that all of the issues on campus this term have had to do with alcohol.”

“The squirrel tail in the dryer at Neville Jones, the stolen Domino’s pizza car topper over by Joy Kidd – all of these bizarre incidents are alcohol-related. This is why the university has made the decision to begin a firm prohibition.”

The first section of Bill no. 1 bans any type of pitchers on campus. Anyone on campus with a pitcher is required to turn it in to the office of president Eddy Campbell (Sir Howard Douglas Hall 111) by April 7.

Anyone found in possession of a pitcher after that date will be subject to fines. Other banned containers include beer steins, wine fridges and flower vases, which are considered too similar to pitchers; the university is concerned they will be used to circumvent the new policy.

Like pitchers, all alcohol on campus must also be surrendered to Eddy Campbell before April 7 at noon.

The remainder of Bill no.1 outlines the specific bans on different types of liquor and the punishments for possession. Under section 23 of the bill, campus security will have the right to arrest and detain any students bringing liquor onto university grounds. Some student advocates are concerned that these harsh penalties will introduce a criminal element to student life.

Wylan Rivers, a third year business student, describes himself as a “budding bootlegger.” The student claims to have organized a supply system for residences central to the quad using old tunnels no longer shown on campus maps.

“We’ll be smuggling in the usual – beer, Jäger shots, you know. But since everything is underground now, we’ve also got kegs set up,” Rivers explained.

The business student did not seem concerned about possible consequences from the university, saying he was more concerned with getting his operation up and running so he could balance his profit ratios.

“We’re prepared for every situation,” he said. “Al Capone’s got nothing on our prohibition game.”

A new student advocacy group called Pitchers Against Prohibition is organizing a protest under Eddy Campbell’s office window for April 7, Bill no.1’s proposed alcohol cut-off date. Organizer Simone Matthews said the Pitchers Against Prohibition group will be a powerful grassroots movement on campus.

“It’s not just about the pitchers,” said Matthews. “It’s also about the shots. I paid $15 for my good Friday night shot glass at Spencer’s, and there’s no way I’m just giving it to Eddy Campbell. I don’t care if he’s leaving– his S-Club party should’ve been enough of a send off without taking literally everyone’s booze.”

Students are encouraged to reach out to Eddy Campbell regarding their concerns over the new prohibition policy, and to participate in the pitchers protest later on in the week if they are opposed to the bill.

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