Jack Sparks
Jack Sparks
Jack woke up this morning feeling dangerous, look out.
October 9, 2019

Satire: UNB to rescind all Arts students parking passes

Photo by Maria Nazareth Araújo

Sheer pandemonium has again broken out on UNB campus. Nobody thought it could get any crazier than Residence Life employees calling out Brunswickan volunteers on Facebook, but that was merely a foolish mock utopia.

The parking situation has become unbearable. Nobody thought it could get worse than last year, yet here we are. There are times of the day where you simply have to accept that you’re going to be parking at the Aitken Centre.

A freedom of information request has revealed that UNB sold 20 times more parking passes than there are available parking spots—a simply absurd number. Students have been left wondering why they’re paying more than $100 to park on campus only to be left with a 10 minute walk to class.

It’s gotten so bad that Kin Sci students are taking a break from their daily routine of viciously bullying Kin Rec students, and are instead whining about parking on Facebook.

UNB Dean of Parking Dick Parker was interviewed for comment on the disheartening situation and his response was less than encouraging.

“My number one goal as Dean of Parking is to ensure that students would have to arrive at six in the morning to get a parking spot at the SUB. We’re well on our way there”.

When asked why he wanted students to suffer rather than try to remedy the situation, Parker responded bluntly.

“F*** all you Zoomers, that’s why. Here, look at this,” he said, showing me an illustration of a phone made to look like a prison on his decade old iPad. “You kids and your phones. Back in my day my wife couldn’t text me to ask where I was when I was out cheating on her.”

The Brunswickan has uncovered explosive new evidence that last year’s sinkhole in the SUB parking lot was in fact dug by UNB administration in order to test students response to a ridiculous lack of parking. 

The whistleblower from within the administration provided shady pictures from former UNB President Eddy Campbell’s spam Instagram account. The image shows Campbell standing in the SUB parking lot with a shovel. The pictures were, without a doubt, damning evidence, and he looked great to boot.

The whistleblower was very concerned about anonymity and wore a Guy Fawkes mask during the interview. 

“#Eddydidthesinkhole, get it trending boys,” was their most poignant comment.

Ire has also been turned towards UNB Security & Traffic for handing out tickets this year like they’re hotcakes fresh from momma’s kitchen. Parker claims there have been no changes to any procedures causing this rise in tickets and he also claims there's no room in the budget to improve the lack of parking. 

However, this reporter spotted a document on Parker’s desk detailing further renovations to the President’s house, including plans for an industry size movie theatre and rooftop infinity pool.

An incredibly popular idea has emerged among UNB Administration as it has been forced to respond to student outrage. They have proposed to immediately halt the sale of parking passes to students in the Arts faculty, as well as rescind any already issued.

“If it was my choice I would shut down the entire faculty of Shakespeare loving losers tomorrow,” said Parker. 

“They’re so soft that we’re not even going to issue refunds on the rescinded passes. What are they going to do? Vent at me in their diaries that night? I think we’ll be okay.”

When reminded that he had received a Bachelor of Arts from UNB, Parker called this reporter a snowflake peddling fake news and kicked me out of his office. A sad day for journalists everywhere. I expect a pulitzer for my bravery.

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