Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
April 1, 2020

Satire: Uincit Omnia Veritas - Groundherring Day 2020

Art by Jules Keenan

Classes have been cancelled, and it may seem at first that it was due to a certain little illness that’s been making the rounds. However, that is simply not true. It’s really because Sharkie didn’t see his shadow.

Some may be familiar with the tradition of Groundhog’s Day. We in the Maritimes actually have our very own official groundhog for these purposes—Shubenacadie Sam. Every year on the 2nd of February, he comes out of his burrow, and if he sees his shadow, he’ll go back into his burrow and sleep for another six weeks, meaning that winter will go on until he wakes up. However, if he does not see his shadow, spring will come. A similar procedure goes on at the University of New Brunswick.

There is a reason Sharkie is in charge at the Brunswickan. He is an old god, and he has special powers. Each year, university administration comes down to the Bruns offices in the Student Union Building. They kidnap Sharkie by throwing an old burlap sack over his head and dragging him to the patio door, facing the library. There, they throw him out into the snow, and remove the sack.

“Lucem uidere tu?” Paul Mazerolle says. (Do you see the light?)

Here Sharkie can either answer, “uero,” (truely) or, “nihil,” (none).

For decades now, Sharkie has always replied, “uero,” and administration allows him to return to the office and continue his hard work as one of our editors. This year, however, when Sharkie was taken outside, he answered, “nihil.” This means that winter, and winter term, are over.

There is nothing administration could have done. And they couldn’t let the general population know that their term balances delicately on the ancient eyes of an eldritch herring named Sharkie. So, they blamed everything on the virus, making sure that no one would find out the truth.

Well the cat’s out of the bag! We at The Brunswickan are tired of our Lord and Saviour Sharkie being thrown onto the patio with a bag over his head! Just ask him to come outside! Just treat him with the dignity and respect he deserves! The university may be over 200 years old, but Sharkie used to chill with dinosaurs. So that means he deserves to be treated with a little bit of care and probably some reverence. 

We at the Bruns hope we do not suffer any negative repercussions from the administration’s Truth Squad for having reported on this. We had an editor several years back who tried to bring some of the ancient cult rituals at the school to light, and he disappeared suspiciously from his dorm. Keep your eyes open UNB.

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