Hannah Rudderham
Hannah Rudderham
April 1, 2020

Satire: They Came From Nova Scotia! Student Warns of Shark-Human Hybrid Invasion!

Art by Jules Keenan

You may have heard the news over the last few years. If climate change continues to steer its course, within 15 to 20 years, the Isthmus of Chignecto—the narrow strip of land that’s the only connection between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick—will flood, completely cutting Nova Scotia off from mainland Canada. 

And if I’m being honest, I’m thrilled.

As a Nova Scotian, now living in New Brunswick, I have first-hand intel on why Nova Scotia should become an island. 

That’s right—haul out your chainsaws and start hacking. There’s only about 20 kilometers of narrow land to clear away. If we all work together, we can do it in no time. 

Nova Scotians are crazy. Especially the Cape Bretoners. But seeing as though the Canso Causeway connects Cape Breton to the rest of Nova Scotia, the mainland can now be considered infected as well. 

I say infected because Cape Bretoners are, and don’t take this lightly, Elasmobranks. As in, Shark People. 

Half-human, half-shark. Google will tell you that these creatures are mythological—that these semi-aquatic humanoids don’t exist. But clearly, these creatures are real. They can change form. Worse still, unlike regular sharks, these creatures have the ability to breathe air. No one is really safe. 

If you’ve ever been to Nova Scotia, in particular, to a Walmart in Nova Scotia during Christmas time, you will have seen the animalistic qualities that could only be displayed by Elasmobranks. Pushing you out of the way, running to a shelf to grab something before you get the chance, biting off cashiers’ heads with their rows of teeth when their coupons are expired, running down the aisle to get you because they smelled your paper cut. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I am only here to spread the truth. 

This whole rant has been inspired by something I saw the other day. I was sitting across from a lady on the bus, here in Fredericton, and she’s talking, and I noticed something about her. She has the thickest Cape Breton accent. 

So I confront her, hoping beyond hope that she isn’t really one of them. I asked, “Excuse me ma’am, but you sound so familiar. Are you by any chance from Cape Breton?” 

I blink twice to make sure my eyes don’t deceive me. On the mention of her homeland, her eyes roll back into her head and I am confronted with the cold, dark eyes of a shark. It was incredible, but terrifying. I quickly pulled the yellow string and ran off the bus. Now, Elasmobranks aren’t truly dangerous unless they’re submerged in water. So, though this woman couldn’t hurt me in her half-human form, it was scary, nonetheless. 

New Brunswick is already being infected by these sharks. We can’t let what happened to mainland Nova Scotia happen to the rest of Canada. We can’t wait 20 years for mother nature to take its course! We have to act now and remove all chances of people like me coming over to New Brunswick. Oops, not people like me. I meant to say, Elasmobranks. Because I’m obviously not a shark. 

Why would I be writing an opinion piece about keeping Elasmobranks entrapped on the Isle of Nova Scotia (that has a nice ring to it don’t you think?) if I was one of them myself? Certainly not because I have plans of creating an underwater pathway for Elasmobranks to invade mainland Canada in their true form without anyone suspecting a thing.

I am no shark.

Hopefully this argument as to why Nova Scotia should be its own island has been convincing, but excuse me, it’s dinner time and I’ve been salivating over this recipe I’m trying out in the crock pot – squid and sea lion stew.  

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