Taylor Chalker
Taylor Chalker
Entertainment Marketing graduate from the Toronto Film School, and first-year Arts student at UNB.
April 1, 2020

Satire: Soylent Green is People!

Art by Jules Keenan

Listen, I am really not supposed to be talking about this. 

But, when I became a reporter, I made a blood pact with my Editor-In-Chief to deliver the cold, hard facts. So, here it is. 

Sodexo is serving soylent green made of students that couldn’t afford to pay their tuition fees. 

I might as well tell you everything. I’m not actually a student, I came here with the sole purpose of investigating the large number of students that have been disappearing from campus. I knew there was a reason, I just didn’t know how deep the conspiracy ran. 

The wildest part? The actual Sodexo workers have no idea. 

Everyday, they clock in, and are brought into a sterile room. There, they are forced to put on their uniform. No, not their blue shirts and aprons, their other uniform. A rough, leathery skin suit that makes them blend in with other students on campus. They hear only the commands of their leader, The Maz, as he instructs them on which students to shoot with the tranquilizer dart, and which to leave, for now. 

As far as they know, the student has committed a crime and must be reprimanded. An appropriate response that is necessary to maintain the utopian harmony on campus. Little do they know, these students are actually shot with a slow-release poison. From the outside, they look as if they have just fallen asleep in class, or in their dorm room, but then the grabbers come. 

These are the only ones on campus that truly understand what is going on. Every 5 years, one Sodexo worker is chosen to ascend. Upon ascension, their moral compass is slowly skewed by acid microdosing, until they are fully comfortable with the murder of innocent students. 

They take care of grabbing the “sleeping” students, and bringing them to the kitchens. It is here that they remove their clothing, later to be sold at the UNB clothing swap, and grind their bodies into an unrecognizable sludge. This is then pawned off as the meatless alternative at any sodexo location. 

Tofu stir fry? Soylent green. Beyond sausage breakfast sandwiches? Soylent green. Garden Burger? You guessed it, soylent green. 

Believe me, I’m sorry to have been the one to tell you this. I, myself, am a vegetarian. 

Like what you read? Give this article a share.
From a quick tweet to a Facebook post, show how much you enjoyed this story.
Related Articles