Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
February 26, 2021

Satire: Sharkie Defeats Mothra in Hallowe’en Death Match

Mothra vs Sharkie | Graphic by Jules Keenan

In a historic victory for The Brunswickan, Sharkie has defeated Mothra in what has been labelled by monster fight enthusiasts as “the matchup of the century.”

Although Mothra outweighs Sharkie by several tons, Sharkie’s natural occult abilities came out on top. Mothra, who holds three world records in the welterweight supernatural being category, and who’s beaten Bigfoot and the Jersey Devil in the arena, showed up at The Bruns offices in the wee hours of Saturday morning. 

“I was sick of being told that I couldn’t beat up a herring,” Mothra said in a Bruns-exclusive interview. “For the past two hundred years it’s always ‘Sharkie this, Sharkie that.’ He’s just a herring. I am a giant moth. I was confident going into the fight that I would come out with the W.”

Despite his confidence, Mothra was proven wrong. While initially Mothra wanted to use the Brunswickan offices as the backdrop for the match, ongoing renovations and COVID restrictions in the Student Union Building forced the moth to set up the ring in the quad. Tables, chairs, and kendo sticks were barred from the fight – it was a classic moth vs. herring fight. No subs, no breaks. 

“I mean, I hadn’t seen Mothra since 1972 at Mothman’s funeral,” said Sharkie. “So when he showed up and challenged me to what was essentially a death match, I will say I was surprised. But I never back down from a challenge.” 

Sharkie made it very clear that he wasn’t only looking for a personal victory going into the Hallowe’en match.

“It’s very important to me that I defend the honour of the publication. I can’t have the sports section of the Gleaner next week saying that I lost this match. It would be plain shameful. That tiger at Dalhousie would never let me live it down,” he said.

When it came time for the match, Sharkie was ready. It’s common knowledge that his occult powers are at their height on Hallowe’en, and factoring in that this Hallowe’en falls on a Saturday night (which Sharkie usually spends drinking at the Cellar) and a full moon, it was no surprise that his moves were calculated and impressive.

“I haven’t seen Mothra lose a fight,” commented 18-time undefeated Godzilla. “I flew into New Brunswick and self-isolated for two weeks to be able to see this – even though Sharkie usually stays out of official league fights, he’s renowned for his impeccable backhand and nippy one-liners. He’s very entertaining to watch.”

The match only lasted four minutes. Three and a half minutes in, Sharkie opened a hell-portal, and Mothra was thrown off-balance by the power of the vibes. However, in an uncharacteristic act of mercy, Sharkie didn’t kill Mothra.

“He let me live out of respect for my cousin,” said Mothra, referring to the late Mothman, who had been a close friend and confidant of Sharkie for several millennia.

Sharkie declined to comment directly on the outcome of the match, saying only that, “Any cryptid man enough,” was welcome to come to the SUB and challenge him again next Hallowe’en.

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