Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
April 1, 2020

Satire: Séances in the SUB - The Haunted Bathroom

Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

The Brunswickan is dedicated to bringing you the most important news and information possible, and we all know what that means—ghost news.

This is the thirteenth time our Séances in the SUB team at The Brunswickan has openly risked their lives to find out what’s going on inside the Student Union Building, and this latest séance was the most dangerous. It also had the highest fatality rate.

This time, the SITS team went hard—in the bathroom. There is a little-used women’s washroom tucked away behind those random double doors near the entrance to the Cellar. It was in this bathroom that we tragically lost two more reporters to ghosts.

SITS team-leader Mathew Gracie, went too quickly into the summoning ritual, and dumped the goat’s blood out too early. It washed away the edge of the protection sigil on the bathroom floor, and the spirit that haunts the bathroom was unleashed. Initially, the team thought that everything would be alright, but the spirit quickly proved to be malicious. It wrapped reporters Hannah Rudderham and Taylor Chalker and dragged them back to the netherworld through the sigil. 

Gracie did try to recover the reporters, but to no avail.

“I asked the ghost to give them back, but like, it just wouldn’t. The candles had all burnt out at that point. There was nothing I could do,” said Gracie. 

Gracie is usually SITS’ best ghost wrangler, but he admits that everyone makes mistakes and that the ghost that they faced in the washroom was stronger than most of the other ghosts in the SUB.

“After it took Hannah and Taylor—well it was just laughing at me. All the faucets were overflowing and it kept flushing the toilets over and over again. Those ghosts—they know water is my one weakness,” Gracie explained. It was easy to see the pain in his eyes. 

“I wish I could’ve said goodbye to the reporters properly,” said Brad Ackerson, the Brunswickan’s Editor-in-Chief and part-time professional paranormal investigator. “If I’d been on the job and not Matt, this would never have happened.”

As for ghost news, Gracie said that other than stealing reporters and messing with faucets, all this ghost said was, “Goop!” That’s your ghost news for this week. 

Applications are now open for new Séances in the SUB team. Two new positions just became available. 

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