Hannah Rudderham
Hannah Rudderham
October 20, 2020

Satire: News Briefs

Photo by Hannah Rudderham

Fredericton sells out of wine

Fredericton liquor stores and grocery stores have reported selling out of white, red, rosé and even Boone’s Farm “wine.”

ANBL representatives report that this increase in sales can be attributed to Fredericton’s large student population. 

“They’re coming in at all hours of the day,” said one liquor store cashier. “Tears streaming down their faces.”

With exams coming up and the stress of online school weighing heavily on the university community, some students have reported that “wine cures sadness,” while others say that wine is no cure, but it does act as a comfort blanket during these trying times.

Retailers in Fredericton said the wine is flying off the shelves every time there’s a restock.

The general public is advised to steer clear of all retailers where wine can be found until after exam season has passed.  

Whales growing legs and apartment hunting

Despite whales not typically being able to thrive in freshwater, a new species of whales has recently been seen in the Saint John River. 

These whales can survive in the brackish, half-fresh-half-salt Saint John River water and they also have legs—not legs—human legs.

The whales have been retreating from the water where they’ve also developed the ability to breathe on land. 

Some whales have been busy with trying human food or shaving their human legs, but others are more concerned with finding a place to live to survive Fredericton’s temperamental climate. 

Plenty of apartments lay vacant, but for the new whale species, they simply cannot fit in a one-bedroom apartment or even a four-bedroom one for that matter. 

These whales need help finding living space and can be reached at apartments4whales@gmail.com. 

Handstands become the new trend

Far and wide across New Brunswick, people have been spotted walking around on their hands instead of their feet. 

Handstands are usually only for the well-balanced to do as a fun trick, but it’s become the new fad to walk upside down all the time. 

Trendsetter Mandy Handy said she isn’t worried about the blood rushing to her head because when she’s not handstanding, she always keeps her head up. 

As for the sanitary concerns associated with walking around on your hands, Handy said she washes her hands a lot, so she’s not concerned. 

She also said she washes them twice as hard after walking through King’s Place. 

Human-sized ants declare war 

An internet meme surfaced this year where people said WWlll was in the near future. Recent events have shown that a third World War may be realized sooner than these memers anticipated.

Human-sized ants have started showing up around Fredericton, wreaking havoc in downton bars, pubs and restaurants.  

The Fredericton Police tried to intervene when they got calls about human-sized ants. But they had no means for arrest and let the ants go. 

Later, the police got a call concerning a group of guys at Dooly’s in downtown Fredericton getting “knocked out by an ant’s thick abdomen.” The guys added that is was “thick” with two C’s. Thicc. 

The ant allegedly announced in the crowded pool hall that him and his ant posse were declaring war. 

More details to come, but we recommend stocking up on copious amounts of Raid. Forget toilet paper, you need some bug repellent.

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