Andrew Mccullough
Andrew Mccullough
November 13, 2020

SATIRE: New Brunswick Chief Medical Officer Dr. Jennifer Russell abandons post to sing at resort in Cuba.

Dr. Jennifer Russell photoshopped on a beach | Image by Jules Keenan

“Atlantic Canadians just need to escape,” says Evelyn Green, CEO of Total Vacation Specialists. 

Based out of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Total Vacation Specialists are offering hundreds of flights (exclusive to those living in the Atlantic bubble) to the resort town of Gran Farsa, Cuba. The resort is currently isolated for the sole use of Atlantic Canadians looking to travel this winter.

“Everyone is sick of each other, sick of anything to do with the Maritimes. People just need to get out of this rotten place,” says Green. Fifty per cent of all seats have been reserved as of November 8, proving Green’s point that people are avid to leave the Maritimes.

“To adapt to the strictest safety protocols, we’ve essentially locked down the Gran Farsa Resort. We hope that Atlantic Canadians don’t have to live in fear of catching COVID-19 anymore.”

To staff the resort, dozens of unemployed Atlantic Canadians will be flown to the resort to provide labour. Working with a special Visa program administered under the Corona Canadians Working Abroad Act, Total Vacation Solutions can avoid minimum wage restrictions and cut overhead expenses.

“I’d rather work for less than minimum wage than work for a corrupt union back in Canada. This program is great because the company doesn’t have to pay any taxes, and they don’t have to provide me with any safety net,” said Ricky-Joe Jenkins, one of the new employees at the Gran Farsa Resort. “I’m not subject to WorkSafe, and the company saves big bucks. I really believe in trickle-down economics.”

New Brunswick Chief Medical Officer Dr. Jennifer Russell showed initial enthusiasm for the project. Speaking to reporters two weeks ago, she said, “It’s an interesting idea. I’ll support anything interesting and positive.”

On Sunday, November 8, Dr. Russell took leave from her post as Chief Medical Officer, announcing she was hired as an entertainer at the Gran Farsa Resort in Cuba.

 

Dr. Jennifer Russell told reporters on Sunday, “The role of Chief Medical Officer was always my side gig. My dream has always been to sing at a Cuban resort.” | Photo: Province of New Brunswick

 

Dr. Russell, on top of her medical work for the province of New Brunswick, is an accomplished jazz singer. In 2014, she released the lounge album Double Kiss.

“My responsibility has always been to heal New Brunswickers, and what will heal New Brunswick right now is soulful lounge music at a Cuban Resort,” she said in the briefing, her last before flying to Cuba for training. 

Dr. Russell was questioned about the recent extension of government pandemic regulations and mandatory mask rules.

She responded, “Many New Brunswickers have expressed concerns that emergency government COVID measures are a slow descent into Communism. Well, they won’t have to wait much longer.”

As part of the partnership between Atlantic Canada and the Gran Farsa Cuban Resort, Atlantic Canada is to be slowly transitioned into a Communist state over the next four years. The project, T.U.B.A (Total Union of Bodies in Atlantic-Canada), is expected to be completed by December 1, 2024.

In related news, Tim Hortons has announced plans to begin opening locations across Cuba, starting at the Gran Farsa resort.


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