Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
April 1, 2020

Satire: Killer Scallops - 30 Years Later

Killer scallops 30 years ago (left) and killer scallops today (right)

Nearly 30 years ago, The Brunswickan tried to warn local residents about killer scallops in the Saint John River. Now it’s too late.

30 years ago, a diver in the St. John River was tragically eaten by killer scallops that had mysteriously appeared along the shore in Fredericton. The Bruns tried to advocate for the eradication of the horrible, aggressive creatures, but the story was buried by Irving-controlled newspapers. They tried to tell the public that the diver had died in a random accident, and that there were no scallops in the Saint John River. The Bruns dove deeper, and now after 30 years, we’re bringing you the truth—even if it’s too late for some.

This February, two winter snorkelers were eaten by the scallops. This is what reopened our initial investigations. The two were on vacation from Cape Breton, and were having a leisurely polar bear dip, swimming between ice floes out on the river. However, their fun was cut tragically short.

When the first snorkeller, David Schroeder dove a little deeper below the surface to look at some lovely smallmouth bass, a killer scallop grabbed him by the leg. His companion, Andi O’Connor, tried to pull him back to the surface, only to be bitten herself. The pair were both dragged to the depths, and devoured by the scallops. The only remains police could find of the pair were flippers and their snorkels. (Killer scallops don’t like to eat plastic when there are other food-sources available.)

Now, a savvy reader may ask why the Irvings were so determined to use their media monopoly to thrust the issue of killer scallops under the rug. The answer is simple: they’re the ones who put the scallops in the river, thirty years ago.

Thirty years ago, when companies like Irving Oil realized that they were going to have to work even harder to cover up the environmental damage they were causing, they came up with a plan. They would genetically engineer a new breed of scallop to release in Saint John Harbour. These scallops were specially bred to want to eat any journalist, scientist, or environmentalist who was trying to take water samples to do independent water quality tests in and around Saint John. This sounds like a really great way to continue to control all of the public information in the province, (as if buying all the newspapers wasn’t enough!) but the plan went awry.

Once they were released, the scallops mutated, and started eating any human being that they could catch. They even learned how to hunt in teams, like orcas are known to do. After several incidents involving young teens trying to make the crossing to Partridge Island going missing, the Irvings paid $75,000 to have the scallops transplanted.

They didn’t want to destroy the scallops in case they could be useful (to sicc against competition later), so they stored the scallops in the less important city of Fredericton. Some people even believe they did so as a means of putting the provincial government on an even tighter leash. Either way, the Saint John River is now chalk full of bloodthirsty scallops. They’ve woken from their 30-year hibernation period, and they’re as ravenous as ever.

We at The Brunswickan urge members of the public to avoid the river, and to say wake up—killer scallops are out there. And they’re hungry.

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