Jack Sparks
Jack Sparks
Jack woke up this morning feeling dangerous, look out.
October 31, 2019

Satire: Harrison Pumpkin Sacrifice to Include Human Sacrifice For First Time

A UNB yearbook photo of the tradition.

The tyrannical cult that is Harrison House is finally embracing their true colours this year by incorporating a real human sacrifice into their annual pumpkin sacrifice.

House leader Shirley Beater spoke on the controversial decision as the other two house witches prophesied to Macbeth and Banquo in the background.

“The pumpkin has obviously always represented a human, you know? We’re a very violent house, and this year we’re staying true to our roots.”

Many believed UNB Administration would stop the killing of a virgin student to be held on campus, but in a shrewd maneuver, Harrison has created a new religion and registered their house as a church. Their activities are now protected by Canada’s Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

An anonymous source inside UNB Administration was reached for comment on the outrageous loophole Harrison seems to have found, and they didn’t seem too concerned.

“Look, we’ve all had a few too many drinks in our crazy university days. These kids will grow out of dropping a teenager off a roof and then viciously murdering them. Kids will be kids.”

The source then asked me if they’d see me down at the sacrifice Thursday, and when I responded that I didn’t want to participate in the slaughter of an innocent teenager, they called me a nerd.

Other rumours have become rampant around campus as the annual sacrifice approaches, most of which Beater readily confirmed.

In a ritual adopted in recent years, the house selects a first-year male student to live inside the pumpkin the week leading up to the sacrifice. The magical properties of the pumpkin guts are supposed to grant the student mystical powers, but all the confinement usually does is nearly kill the student.

Beater also confirmed the rumour concerning students eating the pumpkin guts after the sacrifice. With the expectation that a similar procedure will occur with the virgin that is sacrificed, there have been a surprising number of conversions to the Harrison faith taking place, even from non-students. Who knew there was such a thirst for human flesh in Fredericton? Cannibalism is now decidedly in, and for that we can thank Harrison House.

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