Jack Sparks
Jack Sparks
Jack woke up this morning feeling dangerous, look out.
April 1, 2019

Satire: Giant sinkhole shuts down SUB parking lot

Photo edit by Maria Nazareth Araújo

UNB’s problematic lack of parking has taken another uppercut to the jaw.

A massive sinkhole appeared in the Student Union Building parking lot on March 31 and swallowed up the majority of the cars parked there. Experts say the sinkhole will be around for the foreseeable future, and UNB is urging students to avoid the lot indefinitely.

Strangely enough, only students whose cars were parked illegally were spared from the sinkhole. The 25 cars occupying “no parking” zones in the lot escaped without a scratch.

“You can get seven tickets and it’s still worth it rather than buying the parking pass,” said one shifty-eyed student, who quickly hopped into his 1995 Toyota Camry and ripped off in a cloud of black smoke.

Kinesiology student Scarlett Bush’s car was spared since she had parked it in the intersection, completely blocking traffic.

“I would literally rather die than park at the BMO field and walk an extra two minutes,” she said.

The university released a statement on the incident to the UNB community and the media.

“Thankfully there were no significant casualties, as only 15 arts students were killed,” read the statement. “The university is very thankful to have avoided any meaningful loss.”

In his final act as UNB president, Eddy Campbell has leased the Regent Mall parking lot, specifically the area where Sears used to be, for student use. It was a bittersweet move for Campbell, as he used to buy all his khaki corduroys from Sears for nights out on the town.

We reached Campbell for comment at his going-away party at the S-Club, where he could be found drenched in the signature campus cocktail, Grand Theft Bus.

“It pains me to see the Sears parking lot used by anyone other than moms and dads over the age of 50, but I had to do it for the students,” he yelled, then returned to screaming along to Mo Bamba.

The Brunswickan was on the scene at the Regent Mall parking lot on April 1, the day after the sink hole’s appearance. Students of all faculties mingled together, complaining about the long walk. Only engineering students were absent, having been granted immunity from parking tickets by the outgoing Eddy Campbell, who cited their “innate superiority.”

No engineering students could be reached for comment, as all their agents responded that they had “real exams” coming up.

Business student Chad Johnson said UNB needs to explore other options.

“Look, the university should either give the finger to the poor and do tiered parking, or build a parking garage right in the SUB parking lot,” Johnson said. “Neither of those options is discriminatory at all, and they’re both very affordable.”

Another student seemed quite chipper getting out of his car. “I love leaving my house 40 minutes early because I have to walk several kilometres to school. Who doesn’t love getting some fresh air!” This student’s identity will be protected out of fear for his safety.

UNB administration struck back at the haters in a statement released exclusively to The Brunswickan:

“We were already making you park at the Aitken Centre, suck it up losers.”

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