Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Marlowe came to the University of New Brunswick to pursue a bachelor’s degree in political science.
November 8, 2019

Satire: Dear Sharkie

Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie,

This may not seem like a big deal, but my roommate snores. In pretty much all other ways he’s okay but holy crap, as soon as this guy falls asleep it’s like listening to a cross between a Hemi engine and a whale. I’ve tried waking him up—not happening. I’ve even thrown stuff at him and he sleeps right through it. I am assuming suffocation would be frowned upon. What should I do?

Sleep Deprived

Dear Sleep Deprived,

Luckily, snoring really isn’t a thing “under the sea” where us herring live, but I have had my fair share of friends who’ve had to deal with loud roommates when they were abroad, studying on land. So fret not! Despite the power of your roommate’s nose symphony, there are many ways that you can get him to shut up—besides suffocation!

The simplest way to get your roommate to stop snoring is to wake him up, but as you’ve outlined that the feat couldn’t be achieved even with projectiles, it’s unlikely that this method will work for you. The next easiest way to get your roommate to stop snoring is going to sound strange, but it’s foolproof. Get him a romantic partner, and make sure that person has an apartment. Why would a lover with an apartment change things, you ask? Well, I will admit, it probably won’t stop your roommate from snoring, but as soon as he falls in love with someone who’s got an apartment, you won’t be having to listen to that snoring anymore because your roomie will be gone at least half the week. Problem solved, at least until his new boo breaks up with him because of the snoring.

Another way to get your roommate to shut up is amateur hypnosis. This might sound dangerous because hypnosis messes with the innermost parts of the mind. But don’t worry, Google knows everything! Look up some videos on sleep hypnosis, and once your roommate gets drowsy, hypnotize him. Once he’s hypnotized, tell him to make absolutely NO noise. When you wake up the next day after a peaceful night’s rest, tell your roommate to wake up. He will then wake up from the trance—hopefully. Possibly being hypnotized for an entire night isn’t good for you, but if anything bad happens, blame it on sleep paralysis demons.

The last and best advice I can give you, Sleep Deprived, is this: find some engineers. Make friends with some engineers because they’re very good at math and moving physical objects through space. These skills will be very helpful as you move your roommate’s bed out into the quad with him in it. Only engineers can do this without waking up your “victim.” Since you said basically nothing can wake your roommate up, he’ll still have a peaceful night’s rest, only now he also gets the added benefit of fresh air! It’s a win-win.

Hope you get the sleep you need!

xoxo 

Sharkie

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