Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Marlowe came to the University of New Brunswick to pursue a bachelor’s degree in political science.
November 8, 2019

Satire: Dear Sharkie “Post-Spooky Season Probs”

Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie

My room is haunted. At first it was cool because it was halloween and stuff, but now it’s not funny anymore. I keep waking up to find all my beers cracked open, and my juul is always empty by morning. I don’t have a roommate, so the only way all of that could happen is ghosts. How do I get rid of it?

-I just want to crack a cold one myself


Dear I just want to crack a cold one myself,

It just so happens that this fish is well-versed in the paranormal: I am, after all, a talking fish.

 It seems to me that you have a very common type of ghost: the frat fantom. These types of ghosts are known for the exact types of behaviour you describe. They like to cause trouble, but they also like to have a good time. Since ghosts can’t drink anymore, the frat fantom has been known to simply crack open a beer to hear and enjoy the sound, as they did in life. As for your Juul, it’s very obvious that your particular frat fantom has a penchant for nic. He was probably one of those bros that always asked for a hit, and then never gave one. That kind of attitude doesn’t go away just because they’ve died. Frat fantoms are persistent, and are known to stay just a little bit longer than they are supposed to, so they can be quite difficult to expel.

Lucky for you, my own abode was once haunted by a spectre of the residence variety, and I managed to get rid of them. How? Here’s a checklist for how to exorcise a dead frat boy’s ghost from your house:

  1. Sprinkle Fireball at the base of your windows and doors. This will trap the ghost as they will sense the Fireball, but be unable to take a shot. This means they won’t be able to leave.
  2. Set up your thirst trap! Sprinkle more Fireball at the base of all the walls of one room in your house. 
  3. Play the best new rap song you can think of, quietly from a bluetooth speaker in your now basted room, and set an unopened Bud Light right in front of it. This will lure the ghost into the room of your choice. (Because of the beer and the lure of a new favourite drinking song.)
  4. As soon as you hear the ghost crack the Bud, shut the door and sprinkle Fireball on it like you did with all the others. Now the ghost is trapped inside the room with your speaker.
  5. Next, play Mo Bamba as loud as you can for 13 hours. This may seem difficult, but 13 is the magic ghost number. That means that if you’re listening to the single version of Mo Bamba—three minutes and one second long—it should play about 255 times. 
  6. Ghost gone! After having listened to their favourite song for 13 hours, the frat fantom will finally be at peace and able to move on, leaving you and your apartment safe from stale beer and lack of nicotine.

Hopefully these tips help you to get rid of your ghost!

Sharkie

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