Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Marlowe came to the University of New Brunswick to pursue a bachelor’s degree in political science.
November 14, 2019

Satire: Dear Sharkie- Deep Freeze

Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie,

As the days get shorter, I realize that we are heading back into eight months of temperatures equal to those in outer space (2.73 Kelvin). For those of you in Arts, that’s freakin’ cold. So my question, given that it is cold enough at UNB in the winter to cause human extremities to fall off, why did our founders decide to build a university on a veritable ski slope? Can you suggest that they install a tow rope or a gondola so that students can get from one end of the campus to the other?

Thanks,

Ice Cubed

Dear Ice Cubed,

Why did the UNB founders decide to build the university at the top of the highest hill in town? Well, I’m very glad you asked that question, as I have a hypothesis. The answer you seek is steeped in torture, mystery, intrigue and stolen money.

The founders of the University of New Brunswick wanted to drain the life force from their students. Back in the old days, nobody had $40,000 to blow on an education, so even though they had to pay to go to school, the pricing wasn’t enough to cause the amount of suffering it does now. So, to make sure they could steal the lifeblood of students, the founders put the school at the top of the tallest hill in Fredericton.

The university also wants to avoid handing out scholarships as much as possible, which means they need to keep student grade point averages down. How to do this? Ensure that the hill stays as icy as possible during the winter by spreading fake salt on the sidewalks which only makes the ice more slippery. A student slips, falls backwards onto the ice and BOOM, a couple IQ points gone and, as a result, worse marks.

Ever wondered why the university is always 20 degrees colder than the rest of town? It’s not because of altitude like the science faculty would have you believe. It’s actually because there are still soul-sucking machines left on campus from 1785! They don’t work as well as they used to, but you can still feel your energy and will to live slowly sucked away as the semester drags on.

You mentioned installing a gondola, and that might help conserve some of the precious student energy being stolen, but I argue that the conspiracy should be recognized by campus administration and that the machines should be removed! A tow rope running from the main gates to Head Hall and then to the HIL would be amazing, but no matter how much energy we try to save, those 200 year old machines won’t let us get warm!

I urge you, Ice Cubed, to help awaken the minds of your fellow students to this great conspiracy so that students on UNB campus can have warm winters. Before those machines were involved, College Hill used to have the same climate as Orlando. True story.

In the meantime, bundle up buttercup.

Xoxo

Sharkie

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