Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Marlowe came to the University of New Brunswick to pursue a bachelor’s degree in political science.
September 29, 2019

Satire: Dear Sharkie

Photo by Skyler Gerald on Unsplash

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie,

My roommate keeps kicking me out of our room so he can have sex. I slept in the lounge 5 nights this week. What should I do?

–tired student

Dear tired student,

Being sexiled is an issue faced by most dorm residents at some point, and it can totally suck. Lucky for you, I know exactly what to do. Here are three foolproof strategies to help you sleep in your own bed instead of on the couches in the lounge!

Number 1: Just don’t leave your room! If your roommate wants to have sex and won’t make a schedule for who gets the room on what nights, just go to your room and never leave! Get some snacks, settle down with some Netflix and assert your dominance. Make eye contact without blinking while your roommate tries to tell you to leave so they can have sex. That will make it super awkward. If your roommate’s really bold and they try to have sex even though you’re still there, keep up the awkard eye contact. Odds are, you’ll kill the mood and your roommate will be forced to respect your sovereignty over half of the room.

Number 2: Fill your room full of people! Your roommate is going to have a hard time having sex if you’re having a party in your room. Just play Mo Bamba really loud, and your room will instantly be more bumping than S Club on Ladies’ Night. Once you’ve lured everyone into your room, annoy your roomie even further by playing the musical masterpiece—and my personal favourite song—“Baby Shark”. If you don’t have a speaker, try ordering Domino’s and leaving your door open so the smell will waft down the hallway. Soon you will have a multitude of “friends” you didn’t know you had, begging you for a slice. With everyone either sitting down eating pizza or bopping around the room to the latest party song, your roommate will have no choice but to go elsewhere. Once your roommate has left in defeat, kick everyone out of your room and enjoy a peaceful night’s rest.

Number 3: Suggest alternate locations! There are plenty of other great places for your roommate to have sex other than your room! Some fun suggestions include: the laundry room, the public showers and of course pool tables. If your dorm has a squash court—as some do—try suggesting there! Everyone loves squash. Odds are your roommate may even thank you for your suggestions for new and exciting places to host their evening escapades.

Hopefully these tips will help you finally get that good night’s sleep, tired student.

xoxo

Sharkie

Like what you read? Give this article a share.
From a quick tweet to a Facebook post, show how much you enjoyed this story.
Related Articles