Hannah Rudderham
Hannah Rudderham
April 1, 2020

Satire: Dead rats found in UNB Student Union Building

Photo by Hannah Rudderham

This story has been updated with new information  

Dead rats were found all over the Student Union Building last week.

“I was on my way to my shift at Tim’s on Wednesday morning and there were rats everywhere. I screamed and immediately left the building,” Sodexo employee, Patricia Rattus, said.

The Student Union Building (SUB) is the student hub on campus with a pub, a bar, a convenience store, a cafeteria, a jewellery store, a hairdresser’s and a Booster Juice that magically disappeared one day—but that’s a whole other story.

The Fredericton Police’s Communications Officer, Ratya Rattina, said there were rats “dancing it up” at S-Club, “pounding shots” at the Cellar, and crying in the Blue Room lounge.

“But here’s the thing,” Rattina said, “the rats were dead, so despite how it may sound, there was no activity happening at all. Really nothing suspicious.” 

Rattina said the rats were all frozen in their positions at S-Club, the Cellar, the Blue Room, and other respective locations.

None of the dead rats were available for comment.

The rats varied, but the black rat (Rattus Rattus) was the most common species found in the SUB. There were no physical wounds or blood on any of the dead rats.

The Fredericton police said it was suspected poisoning. 

UPDATE:

In an attempt to clear the rat bodies from the SUB before students encountered them, animal control, with help from the Fredericton police, used shovels to clear the bodies in an effective manner.

Out of nowhere, the rats rose from the ground and started attacking the police and animal control officers.

Rattus and Rattina were both on the scene during the attack, but instead of assisting the police and animal control in controlling the rodents, they joined in the attack, sinking their buck teeth into the ankles, necks and arms of the officers.

The Brunswickan deemed the situation unsafe to cover any further, but on the way out of the scene, Rattina had some final words for our reporter.

“I infiltrated the police, Ratricia took on Sodexo, and as leaders of the rat clan, we instructed the other rats to play dead within the social hub of UNB. When this fight is complete, the rats will have full reign of campus, we will have won,” Rattina said.

“Now put that in your notebook.”

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