Ibukun Keyamo
Ibukun Keyamo
Ibukun is a first-year Unb student who loves writing. She is looking forward to working with The Bruns this year.
November 26, 2020

Satire: COVID-19 Socialite

Graphic by Josh Vandenborre

Amanda McCarthy is a Fredericton socialite whose name often pops up on the VIP list of A-list parties in places like New York, Toronto, Vancouver, and Los Angeles. However, the 45-year-old social star has been stagnant as of late. Why? Coronavirus.

“I run my own business. I’m a girl boss, you know? An influencer,” said McCarthy. “But because I can’t fly down to L.A. every weekend, my brand is suffering.”

McCarthy claims to be a self-made millionaire, but The Brunswickan has sources indicating that her 95-year-old “silver fox” husband is the one who funds most of her endeavours. However, even without her weekend trips, McCarthy has been finding ways to spend her time, and her husband’s money.

“I mean, my birthday is coming up, and I’ve been so terribly sad because Brad said I couldn’t go to Cabo with the girls, so what do they expect me to do? So I’ve been shopping the Black Friday sales, ordering online from Louis Vuitton, the usual – just a little bit more,” McCarthy explained. “The life of the rich and famous isn’t as easy as they make it out to be on Keeping up with the Kardashians. I have some real life struggles going on because of corona.”

McCarthy elaborated on these corona-induced struggles, explaining that, “fashion really is everything,” and that even with online shopping, her wardrobe has suffered. 

“Some boutique stores, especially the good ones from New York, just don’t sell online. I’m much worse off than my friends who decided to stay in America. Who cares if they have more cases of the virus? I can’t live with my clothing stuck in 2019!”

McCarthy spends her days sipping mojitos by the pool. She noted that having her husband working from home was irritating, but tolerable, as, “the bastard spends the whole day in that study of his, on conference calls that he apparently can’t take a break from – even on his own wife’s birthday!”

Obviously it’s tough to be a socialite in a pandemic. Nail salons are largely closed, no big house parties, no travelling. 

“Brad keeps saying to me, ‘Amanda darling, there’s a pandemic going on. I can’t have you self-isolating for two weeks every time you come home, I’d miss you too much.’ I wish he’d let me go to Cabo with Angelina and Michelle. I’d like to sleep away from the old man for two weeks. I could stay in the pool house – it would be like an early Christmas present, even if I had to be in Fredericton,” said McCarthy. 

“It’s much harder for me in this pandemic than it is for regular people, you know. I actually did lots of interesting things, and now I can’t. It’s very difficult to sit by the pool now that the weather is getting colder. And they’re saying I can’t even go shopping in Moncton anymore – this whole virus thing is stupid!”

Bradley McCarthy declined to comment.


Like what you read? Give this article a share.
From a quick tweet to a Facebook post, show how much you enjoyed this story.
Related Articles