Morgan Bell
Morgan Bell
November 13, 2020

Ranking the Top 5 NHL Teams: An un-Sports Analysis

NHL team logos | Graphic by Josh Vandenborre

What NHL team has won the most Stanley Cups? I have no clue, and I really don’t care! This is not your typical sports ranking. This is a ranking of NHL teams that is made without bias. I am making this with only the very cursory hockey knowledge that comes with growing up as a Canadian. I refuse to learn anything more about hockey, and because of that, I will rank the teams on stuff that I actually find interesting – no statistics, not even a basic Google search. 

 

#1 - Pittsburgh

Coming in at #1 are the Penguins. They aren’t known for much, except for having the hottest player in the NHL, Sydney Crosby. I really don’t know anything about Sydney Crosby except that people at my high school used to have photos of him in their lockers, so he must be cool, I guess. Besides having Crosby, the only cool thing about the team is that they used to have an actual penguin as their mascot. Not sure if that’s really a plus, because I think I heard about that in a Youtube video about animal cruelty in Canada, but penguins are cool. So, number one to Pittsburgh for Crosby and cool birds.

#2 - Vancouver 

I don’t know much about the Vancouver Canucks, but I do know that they have the same mascot as The Brunswickan. I think. Their mascot is a shark, right? Definitely a shark. It looks like a shark. So I’m giving them second place because they have a shark for a mascot and our mascot is named after a shark, even though he’s a red herring. Sea creature solidarity. Also, Vancouver is just a really cool place, and they have nice scenery. That’s a good reason to be the second best NHL team.

#3 - St. Louis

So the only hockey thing I know is that the Blues won the Stanley Cup last year. This is because some guy who is their goalie is from here, and then they actually won, so they brought the big trophy to Fredericton. That’s never happened and that’s kinda neat. Apparently the guy doesn’t play for the Blues anymore though, and I guess that means no more cool trophy visits for Fredericton. That’s why the Blues are only #3.

 

#4 - Toronto

Growing up Canadian, you are taught to either be a Toronto Maple Leafs fan or a Montréal Canadiens fan. For my family, it was the Maple Leafs. As a kid, I would brag to my friends about how much of a die-hard fan I was, even though I didn’t know any names of the players. Now I embrace my position as one of the few Canadians who know nothing about hockey. But because I still usually say Maple Leafs when someone asks me what my favourite team is, I put them at #4, because they are also a lot of other people’s favourites, and that means they must be at least a little interesting. And they’ve won the Stanley Cup the most, right? I think that’s right. I think they won it like at least three or four times in the last ten years, so they must be good.

 

#5 - Montréal

Growing up as a “Leafs fan” I was forced to hate the Montréal Canadiens with all my might and hate anyone who cheered them on. But with that being said, I guess that since I had to argue so much as a kid about hockey, the Canadiens must also be a very popular team. I also like that they are from Montréal, and that now my high school gym teacher’s son switched onto their team. Shout out to Mr. Allen. Montréal is sitting at number 5.

 

Honourable Mention - Boston

An honourable mention goes out to the Boston Bruins. The Boston cream doughnut is my favourite at Tim Hortons, so that counts in their score. Their team is named after a doughnut, and I remembered its name while I was writing this, so they get the runner-up spot.


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