Marlowe Evans
Marlowe Evans
Originally from British Columbia, Evans is pursuing a Bachelor in Political Science at UNB.
December 4, 2019

Dear Sharkie presents: THE BIRDS!

Photo by Kevin Lee on Unsplash

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie,

I’ve noticed a lot more birds around campus lately. Why?

-Birdman

Dear Birdman,

I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed the increase of birds around campus. As a herring, I am naturally skeptical of birds, and honestly they’re starting to freak me out. They’re everywhere! You can’t cross the quad without having to dance around “presents” left behind by the birds.

However, you wrote in to find out why there are so many birds all of a sudden. Well Birdman, it’s not hard to answer that question—they work for the university administration. Everyone knows that birds work for the bourgeoisie, and they’re not wrong. This fish has recently acquired intelligence that suggests that the “birds” in question were acquired by the university from a private defence contractor. The SEEgulls are special student surveillance units, specially designed to observe student patterns of behaviour as we move into winter. 

You see Birdman, in the warm weather, there’s a lot of action going on in the quad—the university can just use its regular little ChickaSEE songbird models to watch the students. However, as winter drives students inside (and to the brink of insanity), the university has to up its game.

Now, you may be thinking: “Sharkie, how could birds be spying on us for the university? They’re just birds!” Well, herring have to know a lot about birds. It’s a bird eat fish world after all. And having been around for quite a while, (The Bruns is Canada’s oldest student publication), I’ve watched the decline of the bird with joy. Until they got replaced. By robot spies. Birds don’t just work for the bourgeoisie, they’re built by the bourgeoisie. It’s a commonly known fact that there’s really no such thing as a bird; the Americans killed them all off in the 80’s. Now governments and private institutions (like the University of New Brunswick) can purchase “birds” as surveillance units. Open your eyes people! You’re being watched!

Now why are we being observed? It’s fairly simple—the university needs to know what students are doing so we can be charged money. Do we look too warm? Turn the heat down so students will have to go over to the university’s kind friends the Irvings—oops, I meant their friends at Kent—to buy a space heater. Look too cold? Pump res with heat. It’s a very simple equation for the university: birds= profit.

However, while the Fredericton campus has been overwhelmed by SEEgulls, this fish has insider intelligence that the Saint John campus is still operating with one measly 2003 CrowVision model. Obviously this is because administration can’t afford to put good money into surveillance following the infamous UNBSJ Bird Riots of 1998. When half of your surveillance units are destroyed in a massive hack by computer science students, it’s safe to say it’s best to leave most of the birds off-campus. UNB Fredericton has yet to rebel against the birds.

Hopefully I’ve answered your question Birdman. Ornithologists might tell you the birds are hanging around campus because of the heat that emanates from the roofs of buildings, but don’t let them fool you.

Xoxo

Sharkie

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