Aries
Your disposition could ruin Valentine’s Day for you. You’re a little bit of a jerk, and you’re a control freak. Let your partner decide what to do this year. And if you’re single – for god’s sake stop yelling at strangers about how pissed off you are.
Capricorn
You might be in trouble if you thought there was any chance for you this Valentine’s Day. There isn’t.
Taurus
I am sorry to say that your romantic forecast is looking a little bit lacking. You are difficult to get along with, and you’re fickle and disloyal. Nobody wants you because of that.
Virgo
You can be a screw up, but your luck is getting better. 2021 looks great for Virgos! Lots of love and probably at some point some passable sex will be coming your way.
Gemini
There are lots of nice people who want to sleep with Geminis. Other geminis.
Cancer
Cancer, this is a good year for love. Love someone. Please. Please, for the love of all that’s holy.
Pisces
You don’t have a lot of hope for this season. You’re the sad, sappy sign, and you cry a lot. Try therapy for Valentine’s Day. Or Tinder. Tinder is great for people like you. Everyone knows Pisces are the most physically attractive of all signs, so you’ll be a hit.
Aquarius
You are lifeless, and that transfers to your relationships. You’re not going to have much luck in love in 2021 unless you e-transfer me $13.
Scorpio
You should go to the doctor’s office. You’re about to get your heart broke.
Leo
Please stop blaming other people for your sexual dysfunction. It’s not going to make 2021 any easier for your love life. Own up!
Sagittarius
You’re going to have some absolutely rocking sex this year. You have a great outlook on love, and you have people who love you.
Libra
Your 2021 is full of romance. A great old man named Frederick is going to whisk you away to a castle to live out a vampire fantasy. Lock your doors. You don’t want to lose that much blood.