Financial troubles hit the good, the honest, the pure

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Well that’s it. The recession has gone too far. I could handle it shutting down small businesses and affecting many of our day-to-day lives, but this is a leap over the line of decency. The worst of the worst. In times such as these with political and religious disputes in every direction you look, the weapons industry seemed the only safe bet for a quick million. But that thought looks like it will go the way of the Dodo bird....

Mikhail Kalashnikov had a dream. A dream where malicious guns were affordable for power-hungry governments and professional terrorist organizations alike. However, Kalashnikov’s perfect world looks like it is crashing down upon his head like rounds from his famous AK-47 upon suppressed citizens in the Middle East.

Since its introduction into society in 1947, the AK skyrocketed to celebrity-like status in the homes of revolutionaries and bloodthirsty tyrants. It caught the eye of the Soviets and was absorbed into their military almost immediately. Although it is said to be less accurate than other automatic rifles, it fires 600 rounds a minute. So don’t worry, you may not hit your target the first time, but keep your finger clenched and eventually you’ll get it.

Ah the simplicity of warfare....

And speaking of simplicity, this work of art was designed with just that in mind. The original advertisements actually adopted the slogan “so easy a baby can use it”, but complications arose when the Soviet children turned the guns on the camera crew. Just a horrifying scene... bullets and teethers flying everywhere. You’d think the producers would have thought to remove the ammunition before handing the weapons to infant Soviets, but live and learn I guess. Well not exactly.

Larry Kahaner, author of The AK-47: The Weapon That Changed the Face of War, described the harbinger of death as “simple, cheap, [and] indestructible. You can fix it with a coat hanger and a piece of gum.” Remember that for when you’re running through the desert chasing enemies of the state and your only defense jams. Don’t panic, there’s got to be a coat hanger around here somewhere...

For a gun with such a rich history of death and despair, you would think it could hold its own in the tough times of today. But it is pretty hard to mow down financial troubles with 600 rounds of projectiles. The recession and the appearance of AK impersonators has put a strain on the inventor and the once thought to be endless money train is quickly screeching to a halt. Kalashnikov responded to the copycats by saying “it’s not fair.” Well think of it this way Mikky, you’ve had a long run of being the foremost leader in indirect murders, maybe it’s time to cut your losses and hang up the scythe.