An Interview with Charlie Chainsaw from White Cowbell Oklahoma

Josh: Why are you so awesome?

Charlie: Why am I awesome I was born awesome. I was born that way god damnit. My daddy was awesome before me, and his daddy before him. I come from a long line of uh, chainsaw background. I don't intentionally mean to be awesome, it's just a complete by-product of everything that I am and everything I do.

J: So what do you want to do with the awesomeness? Do you want to channel it every night? Can you see yourself doing more than chainsawing?

C: Absolutely! Absolutely! No more bullshit – I'm ready for my $100,000 operating budget. I need my production budget, because sir, I've got all kinds of shit you ain't never seen before. It's all on paper and I just need the money to make it real.

J: Are you talking about chainsawing through bigger things, or taking bigger chainsaws through things?

C: No, I'm talking about wood chippers, I'm talking about pyro like you've never seen before. I wanna blow shit up man! I wanna blow it right the fuck up.

J: Do you want to blow your band up, or everything but your band up?

C: Now you see, I can't account for them. If they get busted up in the process, shit happens. That's the way I look at it. But no, no, I mean, we got the sky as the limit at this point. I want cannons. I want golf balls. I want to fire a golf ball right off the front of the fucking stage, man.

J: Change of subject. If you could kick someone’s ass, who would it be and why?

C: Anyone’s ass? Who annoys me the most? Shit everybody pisses me off. I think, I think if I was going to kick anyone’s ass, it would be P.J. [Dunphy] from Iron Giant.

J: Why's that?

C: Because he's a clown motherfucker, and he needs to go down.

J: Was he the one who was showing his wang while you were chainsawing?
[Editor’s note: Dunphy was, in fact, observed dancing naked in a clown mask]

C: Hell yes.

J: He was dancing naked right at the back of the stage during your act. Would you chainsaw him for it?

C: No! Absolutely not. A chainsaw is meant to cut up all kinds of shit, but I leave the chopping up body parts to horror movies. I'll take anything other than a human. The bigger the challenge, the better my friend.

J: So did you chainsaw a pumpkin just because it's Halloween season, or did you do a pumpkin just because it's badass?

C: Well no, it's harvest time, man, you've gotta cut what's in season. But what I really want to be able to do is light the chainsaw on fire, while I'm cutting shit up. The only problem is, I thought about it, we did this down in Memphis and it was a bad fucking idea – because the chain leads the fire right back into where the gas tank is, and the god damn thing blows up in my fucking hands. I was only doing it for my buddy, it's a good thing I was wearing big welding gloves and goggles at the fucking time. I got second degree burns on my arms and my chest and stuff. I didn't fuck up my neck or face because I had that big shield on, but yeah, for any of you kids out there who want to light a chainsaw, you know a running chainsaw, on fire, the answer is, it blows up. That's the answer. There is no other answer.

J: Thanks for your time.

C: Thanks very much brother.